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Edit Note: Chris Kluwe is an Oakland Raiders punter with a tabletop miniature from a game called Warmachine as his Twitter avatar and a new book out this week titled, Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies. He also famously filed an amicus brief for the Supreme Court's Proposition 8 case. We asked him to write us something about how to be a manly nerd — or simply just a nerd in the hyper-macho world of the NFL. This is what he sent us:
Hello everyone, my name is Chris Kluwe, and I’ve been invited to write to all of you on a matter of pressing importance, one burning the bowels of every male reader out there. The question is simple: How does one become a manly nerd? The answer is just as simple.
You do manly things.
For example, every morning, I wake up from my nesting pile of bearskin pelts and immediately plunge into an ice-cold spring-water bath in order to facilitate maximal hair follicle growth on my face, chest, back, and pendulous member. After the brisk cleanse, I dry off by shaking my rippling muscles in a vigorous twitching pattern, much like that of a dire wolf shedding rain. I then run down a nearby small game animal, spit and roast it over a hand-built fire, and toss the bones to my pet crocodile, Frederick.
When it comes to playing video games, I’m just as manly. My Xbox 360 controller is hand-carved from a single block of mahogany, and it features an inbuilt testosterone sensor that lets me know if my massive thews involuntarily clench too hard in between rounds of Call of Duty and Battlefield 3. Obviously, the only reason I would start crushing exotic hardwood between my calloused hands is due to sheer excitement at my five-to-one kill/death ratio, and not at all because of an overwhelming abundance of pulsating sexuality coursing through my chiseled body, attracting all the poser girl gamers.
Sometimes, when one of the lesser females manages to somehow defeat me (obviously by cheating), I’ll let loose a primal bellow of animalistic rage in order to send her weak and delicate frame scurrying back into the bedroom where she belongs. Once she’s safely returned to her proper place, I make tender, ravishing love thrusts into her always-willing ladyparts, which I know she enjoys immensely. As a manly gamer, it is both my duty and my privilege to remind the fairer sex of the proper hierarchy in the electronic jungle, and I take my duties seriously. We manly gamers need to constantly reassert our alpha-ness upon the inferior girl gamer wannabees so they don’t get any stupid ideas that they’re as good as us.
Another thing the manly gamer needs to realize is that beta males are not to be tolerated. Your skills at digital dominance should be rivaled only by the height of the five story log cabin you built with your bare hands in the pristine wilderness of Alaska, not by some pale, freckle-faced sack of bones with a lisping overbite. Do not let the beta drag you down to his limp-wristed level! Crush him mercilessly underfoot, grind his self image into dust, and laugh at his mewling cries for mercy. Mercy is for those too stupid to realize what a life and death situation truly is, like the proper allocation of lanes in a MOBA.
The last thing you’ll need to know as a manly gamer is that you must abolish all signs of weakness from your gameplay. Unwilling to wage psychological warfare on the disabled and dark-skinned? Weakness! Unable to instill the fear of physical harm in your teammates should they dare deny your reasonable requests? Weakness! Incapable of telling your snack-bearing mother that you just need one more round, and if she doesn’t stop bothering you while you’re working — Yes mom, it’s totally work — she’s going to cut your Internet connection?
WEAKNESS.
Show those self-righteous and entitled wastes of oxygen what being a manly gamer is all about. Smash them beneath your boot heel. Pillage their electronic villages, and gloat in the destruction of their carefully coordinated plans for unity and teamwork. The manly gamer stalks alone, a lone wolf always searching for fresh meat, and boy is he one badass motherfker.
Join me, and learn to be a manly gamer. Our numbers are dropping over the years, probably because of those stupid women and betas, and we need to keep our traditions pure.
Join me, manly gamer, in the shining tower of privilege.
(Seriously, how to be a “manly nerd”? Check your assumptions.)
Read more: Chris Kluwe, NFL Punter: How to Be a Manly Nerd - Esquire
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Source: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/news/chris-kluwe-nfl-punter-manly-nerd?src=soc_fcbks
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